I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Hank is one in a melon.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea