“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
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Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK