Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
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“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life