To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
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[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.