This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
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Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Humans shouldn鈥檛 come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
She: I like Cats
He:
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won鈥檛 even be any follow-up questions.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
suspect: i ain鈥檛 talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
I don鈥檛 think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine鈥檚 Day are about to expire.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 馃槀
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
ok this is my dumbest yet
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field