me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
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The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
wow he looks just like him
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
I hate when I鈥檓 cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can鈥檛 quite believe they are outdoors and can鈥檛 fathom how they鈥檝e gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
channeling her this year
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you鈥檙e my couch.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Secret Panel HERE 馃敧
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
At least chocolate chip cookies don鈥檛 look like brains. I鈥檓 talking about you, cauliflower.
I’m having an out of money experience.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That鈥檚 funny, when did I get a wife?
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can鈥檛 even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*