a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
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Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Can’t, holding a grudge
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone