Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
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It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*