Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
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Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁