This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
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Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free