Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
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Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Dance like you’re not the father
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
That’s not how days work.
HR said no more nunchucks.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I have never heard an armadillo before.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield