I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
You Might Also Like
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Time for evil
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.