And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
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PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
i was baptized in a car wash
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Taking phone security to the next level.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
lost dog
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.