Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
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pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Match dot com, but for socks.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.