Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
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[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
my friends when i can’t do basic math
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn