My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
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-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.