My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
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my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.