I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
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Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop