[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
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The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
everyone has that one prude friend
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
okay run it by me one more time
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now