Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
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[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
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They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.