Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
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I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties