When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
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*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct