Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
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It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.