ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
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I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating