A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
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what’s really going on
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.