“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
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Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)