When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
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Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
😲 WTF? 😆
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
water it, i dare you
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.