What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
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[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..