I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
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It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
December birthdays be like…