Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
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i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Nice try Hitler
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
🤣🤣🤣🤣
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.