Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
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Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.