“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
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Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.