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At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
you stereotypes are all alike
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?