I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
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My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
She was REALLY feeling it.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
True.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants