I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
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not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Solving a traffic jam
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us