( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
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Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I’m sorry…what?
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
The Compass
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.