[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
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Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.