I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
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I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
🙄😏😂🤣
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road