Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
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[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Taco Bell, Exit 22
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.