Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
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[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Aaaa…CHOO!
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.