When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
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Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.