You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
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Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!