I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
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This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
That’s a good costume, I hope.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados