I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
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I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Sponch
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?