*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
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REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
My Guy
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.