And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
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Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
how to have fun when you’re poor