AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
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I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?