I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
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*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.