no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
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cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.