At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
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i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone